


i can't change, even if i tried

by iwainyoomi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexuality, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, just a lil homophobia, vent fic, yamaguchi used to have daddy issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:18:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7040503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwainyoomi/pseuds/iwainyoomi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn't feel welcome in his own home anymore, and moving in with his father just wasn't an option. He was left with no choice but to hide himself once again if he wanted to please his loved ones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can't change, even if i tried

Yamaguchi Tadashi, after years of denying it, realized he was bisexual in his last year of middle school.

Before then, he had been afraid to admit it; and who could blame him? He had gone through bullying in his elementary school because some kids _thought_ he was gay. But he wasn't. His school had taught him that it was a choice, and that it's wrong. So he swore he'd never get romantically or sexually involved with another man. He wanted to please society.

A year or so later, he heard a song about gays on the radio for the first time when in the car with his mother. He had always secretly supported the LGBT community, afraid to voice this to anyone, he just wouldn't do it himself. He didn't want to be judged any more than he already had been. After all, the bullying had finally stopped all thanks to his best friend, Tsukishima Kei. Hearing the song made him happy, made him feel that society was coming around.

As the song progressed, he had a horrific thought plaguing his entire mind.

_What if I like boys too?_

He immediately pushed that thought aside and blocked the song out of his life, determined to never hear that song because he never wanted to be gay. Or a part of the LGBT community at all for that matter. He'd only start to get bullied again, and he wouldn't have friends again, just like how it was in elementary school. He didn't think he'd be able to live if that happened. Yes, he was straight. He had to be.

His mother seemed to notice the stressed expression on his face and she gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder.

"I know this must be new to you since they taught you different in your old school, but it's okay. Our household supports it. If you ever decide that you're gay, I'll support you with open arms."

He was still stressed. Because he _wasn't_ gay.

But when he finally accepted it in his 3rd year, he was still stressed. He was still nervous to tell his mother despite what she had said a couple years before, and he was beginning to develop feelings for his best friend. His life doesn't work like a fairy tale, there was absolutely no way in hell that Kei could possibly love him back. Nor would his mother be pleased to know that it was Kei that held her son's heart. She didn't like his attitude or mannerisms. So he held it in.

The time came to tell his mother, and she, just as she had said, accepted him. She hugged him with an "I love you", and he gladly hugged back, relaxing in her hold in the way that only she could comfort him. He was lucky to have a relationship with her as she had always been open with him, always comforting him when she could, and supporting him in every way possible. Which had been very useful when his parents had divorced back in elementary school. His father immediately got a new girlfriend and moved away to another country.

His father's girlfriend hadn't always been the best. Sure, she had a kind, caring outer personality that could trick others, but only Tadashi could see what she was really doing. She was changing his father, and not for the better like love is supposed to. Every month-long visit to his father was hell because the two teaming up against him only brought him hurt that they could never understand. And he was never brave enough to speak up. Which led to the self-harm that he now wished he had never started, all because of the long internal battles that he had to fight himself, and the times he had tried to stop his unhealthy streak, which often went unclean once more.

The time came to tell his friends-- or actually, tell his friend. He told his best and only friend Tsukishima. And Tsukishima also didn't seem to mind. He kept his straight face, said "ok", and they continued their normal lives as if it were nothing. As if it were normal. And it made Tadashi _feel_ normal.

He knew his father didn't really mean to hurt him in the way he had, so he couldn't find it in himself to hide himself from his father either. He knew his father would be hurt if he didn't know something as big as this in his son's life. So, albeit anxious, Tadashi told his father and step-mother. They were incredibly shocked, definitely caught off guard, however, they took him seriously. And they supported him. Tadashi thought maybe his life was starting to look up. And he had started to open up to the ones around him, happy to have found his place in the world and finally discovering who he truly felt he was.

Until they moved in with his mom's boyfriend of 2 years. He'd always been fond of the man, he made his mother happy and treated her right.

His mother and her boyfriend didn't seem too fond of his openness, his flamboyance, his excitement to embrace who he truly was now that he finally knew. And they told him to stop it; to hide himself once again. That coming from his mother absolutely scared him. She'd always been so okay with who he was in every situation, so why did she care now?

He found that she was beginning to care just a bit too much about everything in his lifestyle anymore. He hadn't quite been accustomed to hiding from his mother, so it was new when he'd grow excited over a new movie coming out where the main character was gay, and she would simply sigh and say, "Tadashi, not everything has to be gay." It was upsetting to be picking out gloves for the winter, only to have her shove dark blue ones in his face. "You're a boy, so do you want blue ones?" They went clothes shopping when he reached another growth spurt, causing him to shrivel under her gaze when he barely _glanced_ at the neon pink tank top in the sports section.

He didn't feel welcome in his own home anymore, and moving in with his father just wasn't an option. He was left with no choice but to hide himself once again if he wanted to please his loved ones.

He found it hard to keep these feelings bottled in. This time, he had more to keep inside. And it was beginning to take a large toll on him. He developed insomnia, he became sad for no reason more often, his anxiety attacks were becoming more frequent. He developed a type of OCD in which things had to be in perfect alignment when it came to things he did, causing major panic when he did something wrong, even the simplest of things. When his mental state got bad, he'd stop eating. Once he had an anxiety attack in the night and texted his mother desperately, pleading for her to help him. She only got mad and yelled at him before going back to sleep because she had to work in the morning. He had felt that, yes, that was perfectly reasonable and he shouldn't have woken her up. That is, until all his classmates around him were talking about how they had also been up at night with anxiety attacks and that their mothers always got up and stayed up with them to comfort them and protect them. He felt bad that he had wished for another mother in that moment.

Kei began to notice the difference in Yamaguchi's mannerisms. He was still the same, apprehensive boy he'd known for years, however, now he was getting a bit more prickly. And Kei didn't like that one bit. So he followed him past the point where they usually split their own separate ways to go home after school until Tadashi finally stopped him.

"Why are you still walking with me? Go home."

"I'm worried about you, Tadashi. You're not the same anymore. You're more tired. More irritable. You've grown more tense and anxious. What's going on with you? Is everything okay?"

"Stop worrying about me, Tsukki. I'm not worth your time."

He turned to walk home once more before Kei harshly gripped his wrist to stop him. Yamaguchi couldn't do anything but cry out from the sharp pain.

Tsukishima briefly looked confused before terror filled his eyes and he slid Tadashi's sleeves up, glaring down at the dark lines of scarring across his wrist.

"Yamaguchi, what the fuc"-

"You wouldn't understand! You never do! Leave me alone!" He made short work of rolling the sleeve back down and rushing himself home. Tsukishima never brought it up again.

His mother apparently began to notice the difference in his mental state as well, as she had begun taking him to therapists. None of them, however, seemed to be working. Only he knew the reason why.

"Alright," Every therapist would always start, "Have you had a past with suicide attempts or self-harm?"

"No," He'd always respond without hesitation, "Never in my life." His mother couldn't know. He was afraid of what she'd think or say.

When the therapy just wasn't working, his mother took him to a psychiatrist. He was successfully diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. And prescribed the proper medication.

"I do not think you have OCD. OCD is only for the people that obsessively clean." He was told by his _psychiatrist_. He wanted to call bullshit, but he was too afraid to.

A month later, they went back to talk to the psychiatrist to check up on how he was doing with the medicine. 

"Okay, Tadashi, how are you doing?"

He wanted to answer truthfully for once. "I'm not sure it's actually doing much. I don't feel much different from before."

"Oh, I'm sure it is working and you just can't tell. The people around you are able to tell better than you. Yamaguchi-San, how do you think Tadashi is doing?"

She replied with a bright smile, running her fingers through Tadashi's hair and massaging his scalp. He'd be lying if he said it wasn't calming despite the situation, "I think he's doing much better! He seems to be a lot happier and healthier than he used to be!" The psychiatrist decided to listen to her, feeling as though the observers' opinions are more valuable than Tadashi's own.

Later in the car, Tadashi brought up his concerns and feelings.

"I don't like him, Mom. He disregards how I feel and it isn't helping. I want to see someone else."

"Sorry, 'Dashi. He's the only one who takes our insurance. Besides, I think it is working. You just can't tell yet. Give it time." She replied, and he sighed and nodded, leaning against the car door sadly.

Sometimes, his mother would walk in on his mood swings and catch him crying in his bed. Except when he wouldn't tell her the real reason behind it (usually it was because of her), she blamed it on the fact that he was out of pills and she needed to get more, or that he had forgotten to take them that day (which he hadn't). She couldn't understand that he was able to hurt for other reasons than just because he has depression.

He wanted to reach out to Tsukishima for help, but he knew the taller boy wouldn't care as much as he hoped. Tsukishima would probably think him pathetic for getting depressed over such simple problems when others have to deal with so much more than he does. Especially when Tsukki's life can't possibly be any easier. Tadashi's sure that Kei has problems too. But he knew Tsukishima was concerned, so he was going to at least tell him what he deserved to know.

"Tsukki, I like you."

"Yes, I'm aware. I like you too. That's why we're friends."

"No, Kei.. l like-like you. As in, I want to date you."

"Yamaguchi.. I.. I'm sorry. I don't feel the same way. I'm straight."

Tadashi swallowed a lump in his throat and ran a hand through his hair. He knew that, of course he did. There was no way Kei could like him back. He was just telling him to get his feelings off his chest. He'd prepared himself for this. They would stay friends and everything would stay the same as it always had been.

_So why did it hurt so bad?_

Now, here Tadashi was. His first year of high school combined with having to hide himself from all the ones around him that wanted to be close to him only served to hurt him more.

 _"Come on Yamaguchi! You can trust us, we're your friends. We won't judge you, what's on your mind? We just want to help!"_   Hinata's voice rang through his head. _No, I can't tell you. You will judge me. Everyone does eventually._

Tears began to stream down his cheeks as his body racked with quiet hiccups. He pulled a pillow into his lap and hugged it tight, burying his face in it to muffle his sobs as they grew harder and harder.

When he felt as though he were suffocating (he can't quite get much oxygen through a pillow), he lifted his head to breathe, turning his head to his dresser. There, on top of it, sat a pair of scissors.

 _Maybe_ , he thought, _I can let myself fall unclean just this one more time._

**Author's Note:**

> come scream at me on tumblr @haikyu-sins


End file.
